Dec 30, 2005

Обади се на приятел:)

Мой приятел участва в "Стани богат". Не бях гледала това предаване от 100 години, ама тази седмица не пропуснах. Браво, Алвине! Жалко, че не се се сети за Амазонка, но с този сумист ме разби! А от догодина се записваме на онлайн курс по китайски език и култура! Тън-мън няма:Р
За мен е чест да съм твой приятел.

Dec 20, 2005


Winter Solstice, the magical time of the year, when the cavern Yu sings, the birth of the Sun is celebrated, the New Year begins, and a Savior is born unto the world. I guess believing all these things makes me a little like the Queen from Through the Looking Glass who, with practice, believed six impossible things before breakfast;)

How much do we care about season changes? For thousands of years the regular course of the Earth around the Sun (or vice versa) has influenced the lives of its inhabitants. Not anymore. Festivities have lost their mystery, and we are left with a couple of days off work and plans where to go. And Christmas cards and presents, which... I... haven't... bought... yet. Aaargh.

Or maybe it's just me that cannot sense the mystery. Maybe there is a hell of good universe next door, in the words of e.e.cummings. Maybe if I am silent for long enough I will feel the holiness of the night. Maybe if enough people call 'Glory to God in the Highest', there will be peace to his people on earth. Maybe music can save someone from substance addiction. Maybe passing on your genes to the next generation is a sufficient reason to live, according to the book on evolution I'm reading now. Maybe good wishes do carry the power to change reality. Ok, I broke the Queen's record, enough is enough;)

Flashback: Three years ago I was alone on Christmas and New Year's Eve. My son was a 7 -month fetus, I had just bought my apartment, and was in the middle of translating the second volume of Orson Scott Card's Tales of Alvin Maker, which by the way has not seen publication yet. This is what I choose to remember, although of course I can twist the memory the other way and recall the pain, the loneliness, and despair. But I won't:) See, one of the impossible things I believe is that we shape our lives in our mind. Call it self-delusion, call it wishful thinking, I don't... mind:D

This year, I'll remember the good stuff, too. I'll remember the happy voices of my kids singing songs about Santa Claus, my son's wish for a crane and a piano, my daughter's shining eyes when I came back with Mulan video (part of my recent Chinese obsession). I'll remember the 'Christmas office party' I had with some friends at home. (I work from home so I don't have any real co-workers, but these were people I chat with while working, exactly what you'd do in a real office.) It was a good evening, which started at about 9 pm and ended at 7 am when the kids woke up. :) If we do it more often, then we'll stick to more reasonable lengths of conversation, was my conclusion. But then again, maybe not:) Anyway, the experiment needs to be repeated to verify the result, and next time I will play more socially acceptable music, I promise!

I hope to have more good stuff to remember... Happy Christmas.

Dec 12, 2005


В дискусията на тема "Индивидуалната свобода и "общото благо"" поддържах (привидно) парадоксални схващания по разни основно морални въпроси. Примерно смятам, че всичко извън пълната моногамия е грях, но също така, че е безсмислено да се криминализират проституцията и наркотиците. Един авторитет в областта на политическите науки ме е обявил за "анархо-комунист", а от друга страна съм дърта консерва, та дрънка. Свободата на индивида, фикс идея за привържениците на либерализма, ме привлича чисто емоционално, понеже като темперамент не си падам особено по авторитети;) Моята теза беше, че атеизмът не е достатъчно убедителен в защитаването на общността, без да е подплатен с трансцедентно "узаконяване" на идеята за правилата. Има ли правила, има ограничение на свободата. Няма да е лошо това ограничение да е смислено, а "общото благо" не ми се вижда особено смислено. Сигурно всички сме рожба на своето време, в което крайният егоизъм е допустим и оправдан, "стига да не пречи на другите". Само дето опитът показва, че винаги реализирането на моята свобода пречи на нечия друга свобода и при липсата на краен (ultimate) критерий чия свобода да вземе превес, ситуацията става меко казано объркана. Ясно е, че обществото налага някакви общи норми и е въпрос на социално оцеляване да се съобразяваш с тях. Сетих се, че имаше някаква "свобода на съвестта", която, доколкото разбирам, означава да имаш право да изповядваш убежденията си, защото видиш ли, при демокрацията всеки може да си вярва в каквото пожелае, стига да не го пропагандира на останалите хехе.

Напоследък четох книгата "Чудесата" на К.С. Луис, където много ми хареса твърдението, че човешкият разум е пример за свръхестествена намеса в природата, защото е трудно да се докаже, че произходът му е изцяло биологичен. Другият такъв пример е наличието на нравственост у хората, което той смята за общовалидно, но това е щото не е живял в 21 век и не е бил на нашата дискусионна група:) Като казах 21 век и Луис, една сърцераздирателна новина за Хрониките на Нарния, the movie.

Забравих да спомена разделянето на свободата на негативна и позитивна, като негативната свобода е свобода от налагането на външни авторитети, за което ставаше дума дотук, а позитивната свобода е възможност за реализиране на потенциала на личността (а може и колектива или нацията). Разграничението е направено от Isaiah Berlin, от когото си харесах следния цитат: "Liberty for wolves is death to the lambs."

Та тъй, с моралния релативизъм се поздравяваме, но не си говорим...

Dec 9, 2005

Perfectible or Perfect

Edited the small poem from a recent post, removed punctuation and longer words, and added some detail on dreams:)

Had some friends over to dinner. Discussed advertising, games, driving lessons, music, unhealthy food... law and genetics.

Virgin is my kind of advertiser;) Figured out about 20 performers, got 2 wrong. I accept hints.

Yes, I am dazzled and infatuated, and at a loss for words. The reason: Porcupine Tree.

Dec 8, 2005

L'etat - c'est moi

Existential thinkers:
  • Like to spend time thinking about philosophical issues such as "What is the meaning of life?"
  • Try to see beyond the 'here and now', and understand deeper meanings
  • consider moral and ethical implications of problems as well as practical solutions
Other Existential Thinkers include
The Buddha, Gandhi, Plato, Socrates, Martin Luther King

Careers which suit Existential Thinkers include
Philosopher, Religious Leader, Head of state, Artist, Writer

Dec 5, 2005

Goblet of Fire and Ice

This is the third Harry Potter movie I've seen (yes I can count, I skipped the second). I enjoyed myself - I liked the setting of Hogwarts, Alan Rickman, flying scenes, contest suspense, dragons, spooky graveyards, ball dresses, and black-eyed dumb looking males;) Victor Krum ftw:) I might as well borrow the sixth book and read it, although the airplane with the spoiler flew over my island in the summer. Good movie, as movies go, I was duly entertained.

The return of the Dark Lord was really well made, but not frightening at all. I might have become tougher after translating my second horror movie 'People Under the Stairs'. Horrible, believe me. Although I don't have stairs, I was afraid of the dark for the first time in about 15 years. I was afraid of parenthood, too.

I also saw the comedy 'Joe versus the Volcano'. There were some hilarious moments but overall I was put off by the cast. No more Meg Ryan for me, thanks, that was long ago. And I can barely stand Tom Hanks.

I can't help mentioning my star friend again (he pops up in this blog more often than anyone else:). We went for coffee and cake (our second f2f meeting this year), and talked about Jagged Alliance 2 and my current partnerless condition. He came up with a pretty original reason why I shouldn't be single - financial assistance. He said that in about 5 years my expenses would rise dramatically, and I will need someone to help me, with me freelancing and all. I snapped that I was buying a refrigerator on the next day. That silenced him, so I went and bought a refrigerator. My old one was ancient anyway.

Nov 30, 2005

Another Dumb Test:)

The Air Faerie... You are an interesting breed of
faeries, but the hardest of all to catch. This
is mostly because you don't know you're even
being chased, so easily distracted. You are
playful and hyper. Laughter is the best
medicine, that's your motto. Some see you as
airheaded, but really you aren't. You can be
intelligent when you want too, you'd just
rather play. Life is short, you make the best
of it.

What's your inner Faerie?
brought to you by Quizilla

Nov 28, 2005

Target Touched

i guess you may be wondering
what I want to do
kinda evasive sorta tentative

i'd like to touch your upper arm
help you hug your resilience
and lean on you for a fraction of a second

then i will caress your cheek
lose my awareness of empathy
and breathe in your lonely fragrance

last i would touch your temple
finger a thought or two
watch them morph into feelings

then i'll contain my desire
maintain the enchantment
and dream of your touch.

Nov 27, 2005

No way!

There's a song I had on an old cassette, actually I had only half the song, the last of some Supertramp songs to fill the sixty minutes after the Eagles' album Hotel California. I searched for this song many times, and wasn't in any of the albums I could find. And today, while I was browsing some feeds I stumbled across ... the very same song. I don't even remember whose blog it was, but thanks anyway!
Talk about chance:D

The song is very sad and beautiful. Honestly, it makes me very happy to listen to it.

Don't Leave Me Now - Supertramp
Don't leave me now
Leave me out in the pouring rain
With my back against the wall
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
Leave me out with nowhere to go
As the shadows start to fall
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
Leave me out on this lonely road
As the wind begins to howl
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
All alone in this darkest night
Feeling old and cold and grey
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
Leave me holding an empty heart
As the curtain starts to fall
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
All alone in this crazy world
When I'm old and cold and grey and time is gone...

A disclaimer from a journal entry in my favorite site: Though none of us practice it, free peer-to-peer dowloading is quite convenient.

Nov 23, 2005

Chronicles of Visions

On November 22, 2005, is the 42nd anniversary of the deaths of J.F.Kennedy, assassinated in Dallas, Texas, British writer Aldous Huxley, most famous for his anti-utopia Brave New World, and C.S.Lewis, called 'apostle to the sceptics'.

His book Mere Christianity played a crucial part in my conversion to Christianity in 1992. Afterwards, I read most of his works and translated or edited several. He was a friend of J.R.R. Tolkien who, in turn, played a crucial part in his conversion to Christianity. I am not a big fan of Tolkien's poetry but here is the poem which he supposedly wrote after one of their memorable conversations.


To one [C.S. Lewis] who said that myths were lies and therefore worthless, even though 'breathed through silver'.

Philomythus to Misomythus

You look at trees and label them just so,
(for trees are 'trees', and growing is 'to grow');
you walk the earth and tread with solemn pace
one of the many minor globes of Space:
a star's a star, some matter in a ball
compelled to courses mathematical
amid the regimented, cold, inane,
where destined atoms are each moment slain.

At bidding of a Will, to which we bend
(and must), but only dimly apprehend,
great processes march on, as Time unrolls
from dark beginnings to uncertain goals;
and as on page o'er-written without clue,
with script and limning packed of various hue,
an endless multitude of forms appear,
some grim, some frail, some beautiful, some queer,
each alien, except as kin from one
remote Origo, gnat, man, stone, and sun.
God made the petreous rocks, the arboreal trees,
tellurian earth, and stellar stars, and these
homuncular men, who walk upon the ground
with nerves that tingle touched by light and sound.
The movements of the sea, the wind in boughs,
green grass, the large slow oddity of cows,
thunder and lightning, birds that wheel and cry,
slime crawling up from mud to live and die,
these each are duly registered and print
the brain's contortions with a separate dint.
Yet trees are not 'trees', until so named and seen
and never were so named, till those had been
who speech's involuted breath unfurled,
faint echo and dim picture of the world,
but neither record nor a photograph,
being divination, judgement, and a laugh
response of those that felt astir within
by deep monition movements that were kin
to life and death of trees, of beasts, of stars:
free captives undermining shadowy bars,
digging the foreknown from experience
and panning the vein of spirit out of sense.
Great powers they slowly brought out of themselves
and looking backward they beheld the elves
that wrought on cunning forges in the mind,
and light and dark on secret looms entwined.

He sees no stars who does not see them first
of living silver made that sudden burst
to flame like flowers beneath an ancient song,
whose very echo after-music long
has since pursued. There is no firmament,
only a void, unless a jewelled tent
myth-woven and elf-patterned; and no earth,
unless the mother's womb whence all have birth.
The heart of Man is not compound of lies,
but draws some wisdom from the only Wise,
and still recalls him. Though now long estranged,
Man is not wholly lost nor wholly changed.
Dis-graced he may be, yet is not dethroned,
and keeps the rags of lordship once he owned,
his world-dominion by creative act:
not his to worship the great Artefact,
Man, Sub-creator, the refracted light
through whom is splintered from a single White
to many hues, and endlessly combined
in living shapes that move from mind to mind.
Though all the crannies of the world we filled
with Elves and Goblins, though we dared to build
Gods and their houses out of dark and light,
and sowed the seed of dragons, 'twas our right
(used or misused). The right has not decayed.
We make still by the law in which we're made.

Yes! 'wish-fulfilment dreams' we spin to cheat
our timid hearts and ugly Fact defeat!
Whence came the wish, and whence the power to dream,
or some things fair and others ugly deem?
All wishes are not idle, nor in vain
fulfilment we devise -- for pain is pain,
not for itself to be desired, but ill;
or else to strive or to subdue the will
alike were graceless; and of Evil this
alone is deadly certain: Evil is.

Blessed are the timid hearts that evil hate
that quail in its shadow, and yet shut the gate;
that seek no parley, and in guarded room,
though small and bate, upon a clumsy loom
weave tissues gilded by the far-off day
hoped and believed in under Shadow's sway.

Blessed are the men of Noah's race that build
their little arks, though frail and poorly filled,
and steer through winds contrary towards a wraith,
a rumour of a harbour guessed by faith.

Blessed are the legend-makers with their rhyme
of things not found within recorded time.
It is not they that have forgot the Night,
or bid us flee to organized delight,
in lotus-isles of economic bliss
forswearing souls to gain a Circe-kiss
(and counterfeit at that, machine-produced,
bogus seduction of the twice-seduced).
Such isles they saw afar, and ones more fair,
and those that hear them yet may yet beware.
They have seen Death and ultimate defeat,
and yet they would not in despair retreat,
but oft to victory have tuned the lyre
and kindled hearts with legendary fire,
illuminating Now and dark Hath-been
with light of suns as yet by no man seen.

I would that I might with the minstrels sing
and stir the unseen with a throbbing string.
I would be with the mariners of the deep
that cut their slender planks on mountains steep
and voyage upon a vague and wandering quest,
for some have passed beyond the fabled West.
I would with the beleaguered fools be told,
that keep an inner fastness where their gold,
impure and scanty, yet they loyally bring
to mint in image blurred of distant king,
or in fantastic banners weave the sheen
heraldic emblems of a lord unseen.

I will not walk with your progressive apes,
erect and sapient. Before them gapes
the dark abyss to which their progress tends
if by God's mercy progress ever ends,
and does not ceaselessly revolve the same
unfruitful course with changing of a name.
I will not treat your dusty path and flat,
denoting this and that by this and that,
your world immutable wherein no part
the little maker has with maker's art.
I bow not yet before the Iron Crown,
nor cast my own small golden sceptre down.

In Paradise perchance the eye may stray
from gazing upon everlasting Day
to see the day illumined, and renew
from mirrored truth the likeness of the True.
Then looking on the Blessed Land 'twill see
that all is as it is, and yet made free:
Salvation changes not, nor yet destroys,
garden nor gardener, children nor their toys.
Evil it will not see, for evil lies
not in God's picture but in crooked eyes,
not in the source but in malicious choice,
and not in sound but in the tuneless voice.
In Paradise they look no more awry;
and though they make anew, they make no lie.
Be sure they still will make, not being dead,
and poets shall have flames upon their head,
and harps whereon their faultless fingers fall:
there each shall choose for ever from the All.

Where are the poets? Where are the visionaries? Where are the prophets?...:)

Nov 19, 2005

Real Illusions Reflections

Going to the Steve Vai concert in Sofia was a miracle of moderate magnitude, as far as circumstances are concerned. At once I had the desire to go, the money to spend, and someone to rely on to babysit the kids. (She probably doesn't read this, but if she does, THANKS for being such a great friend both to me and the kids.) Oh yes, I forgot, I had someone to go with me, which is also a wonderful coincidence, of a purely natural kind, nothing miraculous about it (a tribute to my atheist readers).

The performance was staggering in its virtuosity, and it swept me off my feet. I hadn't slept properly for ages and had forgotten to eat that day, nothing of which mattered for total experience I had. When I was not in the land of dreams and fantasy while listening to the music, I thought how one can distinguish between feeling and technique in a performance. Those musicians were excellent, all of them, even for my untrained ear, and they managed to convey their love of music to us, and take us on a beautiful journey out of everyday life. I have always considered music to be a shortcut to heavenly joys and a mark of divinity in humans. So it was an escape from all that ties me to the ground and saddens me. A friend said that escapism is contemptible... but that's who I am and there is no way out of it, one way or another.

I bought a book by G.K. Chesterton, St Francis of Assisi. This famous prayer is attributed to St. Francis.

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

Incoherent again, I know, but I needed a tribute to my theist readers, too:)

Nov 15, 2005

Horrors and Nightmares

Passibility - the capability of feeling and suffering, sensitivity.

I came across a very interesting article on the problem of suffering, and the rise of the passibilism: a 20th century theological theory which states that God partakes in the suffering of humans. A key quote from the article:

"The modern theological response to the existence of profound and senseless suffering is to assert that God suffers with the oppressed; as Kenneth Surin puts it, ‘The only credible theology for Auschwitz is one that makes God an inmate of the place’."

The article is called Human And Divine Suffering

Roughly in context:
Fear is a deep striking emotion and makes you feel alive. I am translating a horror movie and was so affected that I was too scared to work on it at night and postponed it (!) for the next day. Horror is not a tolerable genre for my sensibility, and I can only watch such movies in broad daylight. However, I spent the day doing other things, so translation remained for the next night:D

Nov 2, 2005

First Time Second Post

This Is My Life, Rated
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Why Do I Write?

it's hard to explain,
especially to strangers,
but you're a friend,
a fellow-reader,
so I'll try.
it's the awareness of my mortality
and the longing for eternity
which clash and echo
in my head and heart.
it's the tenseness of fancy
it's the looseness of desire
it's the breath of someone you love
but they don't even know.
it's the feeling of flying
it's the dream of exotic lands
its the compulsion of imagination
that makes me write.
how can I explain?
it's just that I believe
that every person I meet
is another opportunity,
another story,
waiting to be told.

I found this in an old Q book. For those who remember.

Oct 30, 2005

The Pearls

I found this while I was cleaning my hard disk.

The Pearls

The cheerful girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them: a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box. "Oh please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please!" Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face. "A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma." As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace. Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere-Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green. Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night when he finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?" "Oh yes, Daddy. You know that I love you." "Then give me your pearls." "Oh, Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess - the white horse from my collection. The one with the pink tail. Remember, Daddy? The one you gave me. She's my favorite." "That's okay, Honey. Daddy loves you. Good night." And he brushed her cheek with a kiss. About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?" "Daddy, you know I love you." "Then give me your pearls." "Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is so beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper." "That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you." And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss. A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian-style. As he came close, He noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek. "What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?" Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said, "Here, Daddy. It's for you." With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's kind daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime-store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny. He had had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her genuine treasure. So like our heavenly Father. Wonder what we're hanging on to..... - Unknown

Oct 27, 2005

Navigate the Seas of the Sun

Procrastination is not mentioned as a deadly sin, but it should be. I can spend hours, days, and months procrastinating things. They range from changing the light bulb in the corridor to getting a divorce certificate for lower fees in the daycare center to searching through the multitude of CDs to find the one with Half-Life: Counter Strike. Now, don't get me wrong, I've never played CS in my life, because I had a problem installing my cracked copy. The game is not original, but the gift from a friend far back in 2001 is highly original, and it bears the inscription Get'em, Hazel on the cover. I still remember R2D2M2 fondly, and I am particularly thankful for the full discography of Iron Maiden, which is on the same CD, and the main reason I'm looking for it;)

I'm listening to the most recent Bruce Dickinson solo project, Tyranny of Souls, which basically prompted this post. It's a really good album, some songs like 'Power of the Sun' and 'Soul Intruder' remind me strongly of my favorite Maiden albums (the ones I'll find one of these days, hours, minutes!). However, the song that has caught me by the throat is 'Navigate the Seas of the Sun'. It has pop-like quality about it, unlike most of the stuff I'm into lately - The Mars Volta, Coheed and Cambria, Within Temptation - but it somehow made me listen to it almost thirty times in a row. It made me think about that special seal of individuality that makes us enjoy certain things, and not others, without being able to explain why. As C.S. Lewis remarks, there is a thin line marking the pattern of our unique soul, going through all the things we love. This is a paraphrase, of course, I'm sure he would have said it better.

Ok, here's the song.

Navigate The Seas Of The Sun

Distant earthrise long ago
Lingers at the borders of our minds
Mysteries spinning in the dark
In the frozen emptiness of time
We were lost and we never knew
Who we were, what we left behind
Living half lives we were blind
To the new frontiers that opened up our eyes

To find our minds were spinning
Souls entwined in a spiral dance
The ancient ways have found us again
To give us one last chance

Living in this place,
Staring into space we find
We might share the corners of our lives
Infinity runs deep,
Eternity that we can't keep
Melting through the frozen wastes of time

So we go and we'll not return
To navigate the seas of the Sun
Our children will go on and on
To navigate the seas of the Sun
So we go and we'll not return
We'll navigate the seas of the Sun
Our children will go on and on
To navigate the seas of the Sun

We can't go on tomorrow
Living death by gravity
Couldn't stand it anymore,
We'll sail our ships to distant shores

Purple, gold and blue,
Living colors every hue
Flowers in the garden of the gods
No one can ever know
If you never saw them grow
But this darkness is really full of light


Well beyond the Earth,
Beyond all things that gave us birth
We'll navigate the seas of the Sun
If God is throwing dice
And Einstein doesn't mind the chance
We'll navigate the seas of the Sun
Infinity runs deep,
Eternity that we can't keep
We'll navigate the seas of the Sun
Flowers of our souls
Purple, blue and gold we find
To navigate the seas of the Sun
So we know who we are
Even in this frozen waste
We'll navigate the seas of the Sun
Living in this place,
Staring into space we find
We'll navigate the seas of the Sun
Well beyond the Earth
Beyond all things that gave us birth
We'll navigate the seas of the Sun
If Einstein's throwing dice,
And God he doesn't mind the chance
We'll navigate the seas of the Sun
Flowers of the soul
Purple blue and gold we find
We'll navigate the seas of the Sun
And who we were before
Eternity that we can't keep
We'll navigate the seas of the Sun
Flowers of our souls
Purple blue and gold we find

Even the lyrics somehow trigger a yearning from the days of my youth, a feeling long lost and barely remembered. I should be happy I can still feel things like this, because my life is full of broken things. Here is the reference:

"Ox, at the risk of sounding like a character from the tales of Granny Shu, I will point out that a noise some people hear and others don't isn't speaking to the ears. It's speaking to the heart, and you have a hole in your heart. All young people do. It's there to catch the wonderful things of the world, and later on it gets filled up by broken things. Forget about your ears. Listen with your heart. Aim the hole at the sound and follow in the direction where it hurts the most."

Barry Hughart, The Story of The Stone

Procrastination here does not bother me - this is one of the books I would read forever, and enjoy reading it slowly. Prolonging the pleasure, so to speak...

Oct 21, 2005


I completed the PvE part of the game with Aral about 10 days ago, and had a wonderful feeling of accomplishment;), although it was one day before the terrible deadline. Time management, as you can see, is also an issue with me.

I saw a movie called My Life Without Me, a Canadian production, recommended to me by a friend who said that 'this movie is you'. Curiosity drove me to see it, and I was horrified to find what he thinks of me. A thoroughly depressing movie, about a mother of two young children (ok, similarities end here) who discovers she has cancer and has only two months left. There was a moment when she sat down in a cafe and wrote in a journal 'Things to do before I die'. I liked her list. It is applicable to anyone who is aware of their mortality. I need to see a doctor one of these days.

I spend a long time thinking about the jigsaw of my life. I had a whole week without work, I felt I deserved some rest, and slept, ate, and thought a lot. All of these, when overdone, can be harmful. I think I got away with little damage, but who knows, it may be damage over time.

I want to thank you, Lord,
For all things you have given me,
For all things you have taken from me,
For all things you left me.

Oct 18, 2005

69 Reasons... have sex (copied this from a forum, author dalya_night)

5.всички така правят
6.друго няма за правене
7.евтино е
8.достъпно за всички
12.вместо фитнес
13.няма време за друго
14.користни подбуди
15.властови амбиции
18.напук на някого
19.за отмъщение
20.за престиж
21.чекиите омръзват
22.пробваш новия креват
25.захладнели отношения
26.сгорещени отношения
27.обещал си
28.пробваш виагра/левитра
29.разчистваш конкуренцията
30.препикаваш територии
31.време е да вземеш този изпит
32.време е да спечелиш този конкурс
33.животът е кратък
34.сексът е изкуство-имаш муза
35.нямаш друга работа
36.избиваш чивии
37.до връщане в поделението-3 часа
39.изнасилват те
40.в залива акострира кораб след цели 3 години
41.си пиян
42.си дрогиран
43.си хипнотизиран
44.трябва да се работи
45.втората професия-допълнителен доход
46.колегата е неустоим
47.обичаш рекордите
48.най-после си разведен
49.сваляш килограми
50.полезно е за имунитета
51.нямаш пари за кремове
52.имаш мания
53.учиш другия
54.връщаш тъпкано
55.възбуждаш се от точно такива цици/рамене
56.да не паднеш по-надолу
57.печелиш бас
58.награждават те за вярност
59.герой на съпротивата, но в плен правилата са други
60.обожавал си негри цял живот
61.чувал, че циганките са 42 градуса на сянка
62. имаш съмнения дали е успешна операцията
63.идва смъртта
64.хапче за самота
65.пълна случайност
66.възстановяваш спомени
67.вписан си в завещание
68.визата ти изтича
69.новата кола така се пробва

It's only fair to post the 69 reasons not to;)

  1. Guild Wars.
  2. Have 2 kids already.
  3. Too early for 3rd kid.
  4. Too picky.
  5. Expensive contraception.
  6. Too lazy.
  7. Embarrassed kids.
  8. Expensive sexy underwear.
  9. Reading books.
  10. Music is best.
  11. Too much trouble.
  12. More sleep.
  13. Facials work better.
  14. Not in love.
  15. PMS.
  16. Too cold in bedroom.
  17. Self-control.
  18. Divorced at last.
  19. Hate mornings.
  20. Celibacy is a virtue.
  21. Alcohol lowers libido.
  22. Too much work.
  23. Post-coital chills.
  24. Friends have other uses.
  25. Another mouth to feed.
  26. Fear of the dark.
  27. Failure to perform.
  28. Sexually transmitted diseases (STD).
  29. Like to sleep alone.
  30. Toilet seat.
  31. For the record.
  32. Backaches.
  33. Lonelier afterwards.
  34. Audioscrobbler!
  35. Deadlines.
  36. Smells.
  37. Daydreams.
  38. Dreams.
  39. Seduction is a sin.
  40. Conversation.
  41. Wrinkles.
  42. Bathroom cleaning.
  43. More laundry.
  44. The stars.
  45. Climbing.
  46. Size doesn't matter.
  47. Manipulation.
  48. Everybody does it.
  49. Inspiration.
  50. Exhaltation.
  51. Salvation.
  52. Time for myself.
  53. Time for the kids.
  54. Time for friends.
  55. Competition.
  56. Ambition.
  57. Egocentrism.
  58. Power freak.
  59. Middle age.
  60. Memories.
  61. Horoscopes.
  62. Nothing is an accident.
  63. Nakedness.
  64. Clothes.
  65. Life is too short.
  66. Internet.
  67. Scared to death.
  68. Death.
  69. Resurrection.

Oct 7, 2005

Carpe Diem

Не питай (ний не можем да узнаем) какъв ли край предвидили са боговете за теб и мен, Левкония, нито изпитвай Вавилонските пресмятания. Колко по-добре е да приемаме каквото дойде, дали е отредил за нас още зими Юпитер или последната е таз, която се разбива днес в скалите на Тиренското море. Мъдрец бъди и виното налей. Животът кратък е, ти остави в страни далечните надежди. Дори докато тъй говорим с теб отлита времето неумолимо. Цени мига, не вярвай ти напразно в утрешния ден.


Тези и други мъдри мисли чета в интернет, докато всъщност трябва да работя много-много, тъй като имам свиреп deadline след два дни. Уменията ми да управлявам времето си са правопропорционални на уменията ми да управлявам финансите си. И двете в момента са на all-time low, но някакси успявам да не се тревожа от този факт. Това се дължи вероятно на прочетените мъдрости, които по някакви неведоми пътища май се интериоризират ^_^. Future happiness needs to be hedged for the purposes of risk management. The hedging instruments vary, interest rates too. My profit or loss is what matters.

Btw, have you checked out lately?

Sep 28, 2005

In Mahatma Gandhi Square

You are a

Social Liberal
(61% permissive)

and an...

Economic Liberal
(23% permissive)

You are best described as a:


Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Sep 15, 2005

Another Brick in the Wall

My daughter started preparatory class today. There are two options for the compulsory preparatory year: one is to continue for a fourth year in the daycare center, where there are way too many kids, the other is to go on to a real formal school. I chose the second option, although it's only half-day, which makes it harder for me, as I need to pick her up at noon. Still, I thought it is better preparation for school, and, besides, she can start piano lessons now. We don't have a piano, but this can be corrected, and one day her brother can play the piano, too. Music is a great way to live your life and I think my children agree with me on this. Moreover, unlike me, they are musically gifted. They both have beautiful voices and make a wonderful duet, especially when they sing Rammstein's Reise Reise;)

I can't believe
that my little girl has grown so fast. I can almost see her graduation, I'll shed the same tears I shed on the first day of school. Memories of my own childhood refuse to come, future is so much more prominent when you are preoccupied with the present. Will I live to see you at 18, Rada?

My prayer for a good teacher seems to be answered. She is kind, experienced, and seems to like children. With luck, she will continue teaching the group next year, actually for the next 5 years. There is a Roma boy in the group, who looks sweet and bright. I rely on him to lay a stable foundation for Rada's future opinion of minority integration;) Hopefully, my stereotyped and, occasionally, racist opinions won't get in the way.

I have started talking about the future, again. The present is so loaded with events, meanings and emotions, that right now it's impossible to focus and write. I even thought about a poem, which is not a good sign altogether. I have a couple of days to myself only, and as usual, it is a time for reflection on what exactly I am doing with my (life)time. It turned out that I make the best possible use of my days because I do all the things I would do, if I were retired. I'm having the time of my life. Well, almost:)

Sep 5, 2005

Sing for Absolution

August is usually full of traumatic experiences for me. This time it wasn't.

I took the kids to the beach almost every day, went out at night when I had company (granny provided free babysitting), and cleaned my head from internet, work, music, etc. I had some inspiring moments which I thought were worth recording here, but I didn't have access to the net, so these insights are forever lost to humanity;)

I went to 3 karaoke nights and sang very badly at two of them. On the third one, just listened. Overall, though, I had a lot of fun. But then again, my definition of fun is crooked.

Back home I managed to lose my cell phone which led to a number of problems. I was so thrilled by my fast (and safe) highway drive, that I went out to celebrate and the Bacardi went to my head. I still had a lot of fun. Fun was the operative word for summer 2005. I got a new phone. When you lose, you get up and go on. Here it is:

I started the new music season with a hefty quantity of Muse, more specifically their Showbiz album.

And sometimes, only very rarely, a secretive feeling creeps in, that this is the moment I was made for, that time collapses exclusively for me, to lift me up and show me infinity, and I understand the words of the poet: 'To see the world in a grain of sand...'. Ask Google for the rest.
The second best feeling is to know I have a multitude of tasks to perform, and will never run out of things to do. Getting all the elite skills for all professions, for example. Learning to use them;) Go to Tombs of Primeval Kings. Stuff like that.

Father, forgive me, for I have sinned.

Jul 30, 2005

Skyward Reach

Sofialand amusement park is good for kids, once or twice a year. This is a promise:)

Tons of work weighing on my shoulders, and masses of food in my belly. I am a hungry devourer most of the time and I dread the prospect of going to the beach. I succumb to the societal pressure of looking slim, and hating myself for being fat. Believe it or not, there are men out there who prefer plump women! I have talked to two of them in the past few weeks, and they seem pretty truthful about it. Still, I need to stop eating and start exercising again.

I stopped smoking for about a week, and then relapsed. Reason being, I don't play GW because I have too much work: 8 hours in the office of an aforementioned institution, plus a few more when I get back home - after I put kids to bed of course - I need to catch up with work I did not do because of playing GW. As if this is not enough, I have some friends over at my place, and I want to/have to/need to spend time with them. Ah yes, I was foolish and greedy enough to accept another project due 3 days after my departure date. Failed to see the link between smoking and the above? Addictions stack, and are better removed one at a time;) Anyway, 3 missions from the end of PvE part of the game, I pause. Iron will is my middle name;) Oh yeah, I played with my healer and my elementalist quite a lot:> But this doesn't count. Right?

This can easily be my last posting for a long time to come because I'm going to, er.. vacation. Time away from my PC. Beach. Cocktails. Er. Parents (my own parents!). Quick drive to a mountain town to celebrate a friend's birthday. Almost a month without playing, working, watering the plants in my apartment, and... I can't think of any other reason to stay in Sofia in August.
Wish me luck and get in touch ffs!

Jul 18, 2005

Sweet Dreams Are Made of This

To escape or not to escape, that is the question. Escapism is not necessarily bad, as any diversion or hobby can be dubbed 'escapism'. After all, we read novels and watch movies, which are not 'real' per se. I have found gaming to be an alternative to other pastimes, a fun way to use what little spare time I have. On average, I spend about 2 hours playing every day. Oops. One of the signs of addiction is that you begin lying about the quantity of the consumed substance and the frequency of your indulgence.
This is my first monster slaying game in which I die. I have died over 300 times with my 3 characters. Freudians would have something to say on the topic of death wishes:P Seriously, I will never forget the first time I went into cooperative mission, or the first time on PvP arena. There's always a first, but at my time of life, firsts don't come easy:) I'm starting to overcome the constraints of my lack of gaming background. In other words, I'm getting better all the time, which is very encouraging. It turns out I need a lot of praise and flattery. I have always known I am very bad at losing, and will have to learn to handle this at some point, but not right now;) Right now: 4 teh win:)
I just remembered an old song which says 'Dying ain't much of a living when you're living on the run'. I'm living on the run, life is hectic and full of things to do, and I'm exhausted most of the time. I need regeneration, and while physically late night battles do not help much, mentally the game works wonders for me. I just read a review of World of Warcraft which among other things said 'I'm in love with this game'. Well, I fear my definition of 'falling in love' is highly ideosyncratic and most people tend to disagree with it, so I won't say I'm in love;) Suffice it to say that mere thinking of the game makes me smile.
Some may argue it's cheap thrill seeking, and may be right. Thrill seeking is a vice I confess I am prone to:D However, it's more than that. It's and exciting learning experience, comparable to learning to drive or to climb. I love the process of starting something from scratch and working to perfect myself in it. The final result is not perfect but is still amazing. Completing a mission gives me a similar emotion to driving in the center of Sofia during the rush hour:) At the end of it I'm alive, I have 1000 experience, and one more skill point.
A friend told me that I bore him to death with talk about Guild Wars. I truly appreciate it when someone is so honest with me:) Only an Aries can get away with it, but then again, only an Aries will dare to say it:) Ok, maybe a few Gemini too;)
To cut the long story short, the game for me is a fascinating mixture of dreaming and acting, a place where I can unfold pieces of me which are stifled or undesirable in real life. Nothing wrong with sublimation, go go go uncle Freud! On the other hand, I am aware that I miss on one of the most important aspects of online gaming - socializing. I can't see anything exciting in meeting new people, period. Now, meeting RL friends in game, this is fun. Also, roleplaying a (male) teenager who plays online games, is even more fun!:) Some day, I will watch Hallmark and do tapestry, but not now. Thank God, not now.

Jun 25, 2005

The Whole Nine Yards

Wow, congrats:) Blogger, thumbs up, now I can post images!
This is my first character in the best time-killer I've had for years. He's called Aral Kosigan, the father of one of my favorite fictional heroes of all time, Miles Vorkosigan. I dropped the nobility prefix 'vor', since it is a democratic world we live in;) I have two more characters and I promise you'll have the opportunity to feast your eyes upon them too:D

Otherwise, I have a lot of undone work, my torrent account was closed after 7 days inactivity, I went to a karaoke party and had tons of fun and alcohol. Omg...ofhangover.

And to think I was afraid it would never be my turn,
as if you could contain the baby in the cradle, and the ashes in an urn.
Maybe no control is just life as usual
Maybe an endless fall is the same as flying high.

I just love this song. Don't bother searching for it in Google :P

Jun 6, 2005

Violent Flurry

I saw Sin City - the most crushing movie of the year. It pierces you, it shatters your preconceived notions of what is allowed and what not, it heightens your perceptions to the maximum. I thought I could even smell the blood, which came in white, red, and yellow. Despite the sketchy plot (after all, it is based on 3 graphic novels, aka comic books), it gripped me and I found myself looking for meaning in the meaningless sequence of events, each triggering more disgust and awe at the same time. Amazing acting, nerve-racking camera, mind-blowing director's vision.

Violence is viewed so casually ('kill him good', one of the characters said), that it achieves the status of a legitimate form of fun alongside sex. [There IS a lot of nudity in the movie, which made me even more determined to go to the gym more often:D] Violence is apparently a deep need of humans, and even violence that makes you flinch holds some kind of perverse attraction. So, that's the way we are. Brutality is a word which comes from the Latin word for a 'beast', and a friend said that most action in the movie is animal-like, but I disagreed. It is easy to transfer to animals the inherent cruetly in humans, but it is my opinion that animals are rarely cruel for cruelty's sake. It is us who are evil, and we cannot proceed to becoming less evil, unless we acknowledge the evil in us as human beings. We are able to enjoy hurting others and get aroused by others' pain (er... not me personally, I am a bit squeamish;). Still, we have a spark of heaven in us and are able to counter hatred if we want, and if we truly aspire to goodness, we will be given a Hand by the Heavenly Helper.

These thoughts have absolutely nothing to do with my warrior profession. Really really. Rather, I have been thinking about being a sinner exposed to God's grace. Do I believe in punishment this side of hell? I don't know. It is written that a parent punishes the child he/she loves. As a parent I'm not so positive about distinguishing between punishment for the sake of justice and discipline, and punishing because anger and frustration rise in me like a hurricane. I'm trying to counter this with love. While playing a warrior I usually listen to quiet and gentle music like Tenhi or Jewel which I believe enhance the peace of mind. I need peace and silence to balance the adrenaline fury I am slowly becoming...

May 27, 2005

Twisted by the Dark Side

The saga is over:) I have been waiting for this moment for 20 years. The story is complete, the jigsaw pieces have fallen in their places, nothing to do but contemplate the beauty of the picture.
I laughed at the absurdities in Episode 3, I was amused by the democracy talk, admired the jab at relativism in the words of Anakin (something like 'From my point of view, this is good').
I just loved the references to the old episodes - there was even a Red Leader in the space fight! Spent hours afterwards listening to John Williams' New Hope OST, some of the greatest contemporary music ever written. I even watched the abominable Attack of the Clones once again:) Lucas has created an awesome universe, and I am content with the final product. Good enough, as one of my friends has taught me to say.

I cannot write more now because I'm twisted in a totally different direction. I'm not going to argue that from my point of view this is good;) I am a Warrior at last, it is a dream come true:) It is dangerous for dreams to come true, I have always said. I sleep even less than usual, have HUGE dark circles around the eyes, and a crazy look of addiction IN them. Not that I succumb to temptation all the time, I make conscious efforts to distract myself with other stuff to do. Like work. Going to a pub with friend. Reading Barry Hughart. Mmm, my sentences have grown shorter. I don't smoke as much as before, and eat even less:D I love every minute of it, though I'm not too good. But improving. OMG:)

May 17, 2005

Kingdom of Heaven

I made a point of seeing 'Gladiator', one of the movies everybody except me has seen, several weeks before 'Kingdom of Heaven' appeared on the wide screen. While the music was incredible (see Audioscrobbler), the movie was so so. I don't care much for Russel Crow, although he is a good actor. Joaquin Phoenix, however, was a joy, especially after seeing him in 'Signs' and 'The Village'. He somehow makes me want to look at him, long and hard. An incredible face. Poor cinematic depiction of Rome, however...

I am much more familiar with the Roman Empire than with the Crusades, and concerning the latter, I think ignorance is bliss. For example, I am rather unhappy to know that during the Fourth Crusade, the Orthodox Christian city of Constantinople was sacked in 1204. Catholicism holds a deep fascination for me. From this historical fact one can safely say that Crusaders, in most cases, were not interested in religious issues, and were in it just for the phat loot, as gamer's lingo puts it, and as Jeremy Iron's character explicitly pointed out.

Objection: Judging people's motivation is always difficult. It it is hardly possible to claim that the mercantile motivation of Crusaders is a historical fact.

The role of a movie is to show some of the motivation of characters, and "Kingdom of Heaven" does a very poor job of this. Balian is motivated by the desire to save his wife from hell. Wtf? The movie's idea is that God is silent, even on Golgotha, that you alone make the choice to be a good person or a bad person, and the outcome of a battle depends not on God's will but on preparation. So why then saving someone from hell is such a big issue?

(It reminded me of 'Constantine' where the hero did not have a very good opinion of God (a kid playing with an anthill?) but still preferred to spend eternity with Him, instead of with Lucifer, who was soooo coool. Which in turn reminded me of something C.S.Lewis wrote, that if God was proud, he would not accept us if we choose him only as an alternative to hell. But he isn't...)

Ridley Scott has done his best to emphasize time and again that religion is twisted and useless, leading to bloodshed and pain. Individuals who are noble and good in themselves need no God to guide them. He isn't there anyway. Only the stones of Jerusalem hear the cries of the wounded. And stones are not holy, the battle is not for places, it's for people, as Balian says in his oh-so-manly knight speech. The representation of priests and bishops was biased to the core. They are a bunch of bastards whose job is to cut beautiful womens' heads and say things like 'Killing infidels is not a sin'. Not to mention the cult line 'Convert to Islam, repent later!'. The understanding of the role of Christianity in 12th century is flawed, precisely because it is filtered through 21st century worldviews. This is inevitable, of course, but it doesn't have to be overdone like this. In a nutshell, the movie's humanistic outlook has gone to extremes. The rejection of fanaticism is almost fanatic in itself.

About the Muslims: My interest in Islam and Arabian Nights dates even further back than that in Catholicism:) At nineteen I wanted to be an Arabic Studies student. I am translating parts of a Dictionary of Islam as a side-project almost for free;) Let me quote the definition of jihad:

From the Arabic word meaning 'to strive', 'to exert', 'to fight'; exact meaning depends on context (ahaha). May express a struggle against one's evil inclinations, and exertion to convert unbelievers, or a stuggle for moral betterment of the Islamic community. Today often used without any religous connotation, with a meaning more or less equivalent to the English word 'crusade' (ahaha) (as in 'crusade against drugs'). If used in a religious context, the adjective holy or Islamic is added. Jihad is the only legal warfare in Islam, and is carefully controlled by Islamic law. It must be called by a duly constituted state authority, it must be preceded by a call to Islam or treaty, noncombatants must not be attacked, and so on. To justify the struggle against their coreligionists, extremists branded them unbelievers for their neglect in adhering to and enforcing a particular interpretation of Islam. Contemporary thinking about jihad offers a wide spectrum of views (surprise surprise?) including conservatives who look to classical Islamic law on the subject, and radicals who promote a violent jihad againsts Muslims and non-Muslim rulers.

The movie carefully avoids mentioning the word 'jihad':) It opted for Saalam Aleikum... Peace be with you. Islam does have this deeply humble characterestic. I was disappointed in the representation of Islam, though. We only saw prostrate devotees with asses pointing to the sky, and heard the incredibly original 'Reap what you sow' moral maxim from a Muslim. (Saladin, however, looked so gorgeous, that I tried to find a picture of the actor on the net and couldn't. Even doesn't have it.) Otherwise, the motivation of Muslim army to capture Jerusalem did not have much to do with religion, either. It was depicted as the justifiable wrath of a grieving brother and indignant ruler. Justice seems to be a universal principle, and even our diversified, tolerant, watery culture cannot deny this. However, it denies the rationale behind justice and morality, and claims that we alone are capable of deciding. Political correctness IS the prevailing mode of modernity, and there is no way to say that somebody's wrong without offending them.

I'm not pointing a finger, mind you. I'm the same, I'm a product of the 21st century. I have no sentiments about holy places, shrink from ultimate statements, and generally behave like a postmodernist most of the time. When I listen to someone, I'm tempted to find ideological and manipulative patterns even in the most sincere and positive words. A cynic? Hope not in long-term.

And a few words about art for art's sake;) Visually, "Kingdom of Heaven" is perfect. The music is fantastic:) Orlando Bloom is acting better than before. Who can ask for more?

May 3, 2005

Easter Thoughts

Christ has Risen!

I saw The Passion of the Christ on Good Friday, I had to discipline myself to do so. Last year I refused to see it, for a variety of reasons. Mainly, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to identify with the suffering Christ, and I would feel guilty for it. I knew the movie provoked religious feelings in many, and encouraged them to renew their faith, to confess their sins etc. This year, I was afraid it would touch me, and I didn't want to be touched. I wasn't. I saw 'the whip, the crown of thorns, the nails' (a reference to an old poem by my ex) and was not moved. Emotional coldness on one plane entails emotional coldness on any other plane, in my opinion. I am making a rational decision to be a believer and, for the time being, this is sufficient to find meaning and purpose in life.

Background - I sent the kids to Granny's for a week, but this time I'm not making any experiments in isolation. On the contrary, I'm planning to be with people as much as possible. Places and things include the following:
- climbing gym
- hairdresser's
- Social Security Instutite (FOUND the document when I took the car to the car wash! Cleanliness IS next to godliness;)
- cousin's birthday party
- science fiction conference
- real climbing
- cinema and/or gaming.
- Hannah Arendt's Human Conditon (written in the 1950s, looks very promising).

Last but not least: yesterday I went for a short hike in Vitosha with a friend. We spent 6 hours talking about a variety of things - books, childhoods, movies, philosophy, politics, religion, etc.
I am not good at summarizing ideas and opinions, though, which is a pity. In addition to this RL conversation, I would like to retell an online conversation about nature vs nurture, the role of having children, ways to make your life less than boring, etc. I wanted to paste the log here, but I was refused permission so I won't.

Lazying around is a fantastic pastime:)
And to finish with one of my top ten quotations:

'Information is not knowledge. Knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom is not truth. Truth is not beauty. Beauty is not love. Love is not music. MUSIC IS BEST.'

Frank Zappa

There you go:)

Apr 19, 2005

Divisible by 17

So much to see, so much to live for?

I have been immersed in doing things for a while, and turning 34 somehow slipped through the web of time, almost unnoticed. I didn't throw a party, but I did go to a friend's birthday party, preceded by a house-warming party, which in turn was preceded by several really great get-togethers. A good time was had by all;) No, this is not going to work. I'm half asleep, so I'll do it Bridget Jones style:
Car stereos stolen - 1.
Car locks broken - 2.
Batteries flat - 1.
Kids sick - 2.
Tax returns filed - 1.
Indian restaurants sampled - 2.
New jeans bought - 2.
Social security documentation lost - 1.
Books read (in the last 3 months) - 1.
Chinese movies seen - 2. (House of Flying Daggers and Hero. I don't mind Chinese ruling the world, now or in 200 years. They ARE good at sticking to noble causes and killing loved ones. No, seriously. These are two of my favorite movies ever. Colors, music, movement, tears, eyes, caligraphy, bamboo... the list can go on forever.)
Games finished - 1 (Syberia 2. Kids just love Kate Walker, she is practically a family member now.)
Games started - 1 (Grim Fandango. A new chapter in my games education which is also a trip back in time).
Games downloaded - 2 (Everquest 2 and Lineage 2. Clearly a latecomer in the world of MMORPGs, I couldn't connect to the server of either. These were free offers which I could not take advantage of, most probably my RAM is not enough, or my anti-virus programs play a trick on me. Did I mention I had a terrible virus problem which I solved by paying a guy to clean the computer and install really good anti-virus software? Serves me right.)

The last music I downloaded before the shutdown of free servers was all of A Perfect Circle and King Crimson. We are witnesses of the end of an era, and the dawn of a new one. I thought using torrents is difficult but it turned out it's not and it's much faster than I expected. BitComet flies high;)
I should write about inspiration but this is not a good time. Growing old takes its toll. Or, much worse, I keep humming an ancient Helloween ballad called 'The Tale That Wasn't Right'. Vitamin B for the masses, the ultimate cure for not being right. Other drugs don't work.

Mar 24, 2005

Remodelled Me

A shirt, a skirt, a formal coat, and high heels (aka hell heels). This is my outfit for my short-term office job with another institution within the Bulgarian government. 9-to-5s with suitable ties, as Fish said. Interpreting at meetings, presentations, translating memos, reports, going to lunch with the boss, trying to regain my long lost social skills. Hurrying after work to pick up the kids. Horrors and nightmares! Ok, I'm exaggerating. The heels are not that high but still uncomfortable to drive in.

Anyway, this sudden move was part of my strategy to show how flexible I am - when 10 friends tell me to go out of the house and mix with people, I comply! As I said, I am not the stubborn, self-righteous bitch I look;)

Rada is pleased with my new look, although she’s a little resentful about the eternal you-are-prettier-than-me issue. I’m not prettier. She is more beautiful, more sociable, and even wiser than me.

The other day we had this conversation about her father. I said he is a good person, a good daddy, and always will be, but he’s simply not a good man for me. She said, ‘Then you should get another man!’. My immediate response was thoughtless, though truthful: ‘Where shall I put him?’. And she observed, with the savvy of an experienced woman: ‘Mom, men are not objects. They are not wardrobes or cupboards!’ I was flabbergasted. My five-year-old knew something is wrong with my attitude to the male part of humankind. I stand corrected. Men are not objects. Repeat, men are not objects.

On the cultural side, at last I’ve got something to look forward to. May 19th:D Episode Three. I watched the trailer at least 10 times – it’s great. I also saw the horror movie (ok, psychological thriller) ‘Identity’ on a sunny afternoon between deadlines. I usually can’t stand blood but I needed some kind of emotion, I needed to hear my heart thumping and to feel alive. It’s a good movie, I love plot twists, they compensate for much of the boredom that comes beforehand. While on the movie topic, here are some titles from my ‘recently viewed’ list.

-Big Lebowski – I loved the slapstick humor, the laid back atmosphere, the ugly language (It’s f***ed Duuuude).
- Requiem for a Dream – may give a more sensitive viewer nightmares. Nightmares, however, are considered by some psychologists to cleanse the unconscious of the dreamer. They are a self-preserving mechanism of the mind, throwing out the garbage and keeping your daytime personality sane. Or so I hope. The movie starred Jared Leto, my new wet dreams material, who also played Alexander’s sweetheart in Oliver Stone’s movie, and gave me the warm feeling that I share the same taste in men with the great Greek;)
- Pi – another Aronofsky movie. Does not bear comments. OST just as superb as that of the previous movie.

Musically, I am disappointed. I created an account in

but it isn't working, so I'm not gonna tell what my new internet nick is;)

I listened to the early Beatles, Deep Purple ballads, Isihia, Anathema (latest album), Jeff Wayne's War of the World. The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one:)

Mar 11, 2005

Guess What:)

I Am A: True Neutral Half-Elf Ranger Fighter

True Neutral characters are very rare. They believe that balance is the most important thing, and will not side with any other force. They will do whatever is necessary to preserve that balance, even if it means switching allegiances suddenly.

Half-Elves are a cross between a human and an elf. They are smaller, like their elven ancestors, but have a much shorter lifespan. They are sometimes looked down upon as half-breeds, but this is rare. They have both the curious drive of humans and the patience of elves.

Primary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.

Secondary Class:
Fighters are the warriors. They use weapons to accomplish their goals. This isn't to say that they aren't intelligent, but that they do, in fact, believe that violence is frequently the answer.

Silvanus is the True Neutral god of nature. He is also known as the Patron of Druids. His followers believe in the perfect balance of nature, and believe that nature's bounty is preferable to any other 'civilizing' method. They wear leather or metallic scale mail, constructed of leaf-shaped scales. Silvanus's symbol is an oak leaf.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

Mar 1, 2005

The Hottest Whining Points

I am well aware of the risk I took by posting the long poem, I suspect I lost half my fan base;) So this entry is a feeble attempt to win it back:P
I'm self-destructive. No efforts on my part seem to undo this. I smoke a lot, drink more - coffee and vodka - and more often than I should, and I go without sleep for ages. Insomnia and too much work deprive me of rest and sanity.
February was rich in events like the concert of Fates Warning, a progressive metal band, which was so-so. The vocal had had too much to drink and his voice was hoarse, but I enjoyed myself. Also, I saw several movies among which 'Alexander' (good, should be careful not to get obsessed with my talented son, otherwise he is likely to turn gay), 'Bridget Jones 2' (fun, I have read the first book, so the story is complete. There was a greal line which I repeat to myself several times a day, roughly 'I've had enough of bad things happening to me, it's time something really good happened'... if you see the movie, this line will tell you a lot about me:)), and the fabulous 'Phantom of the Opera', (a feast for all the senses, I kept playing the main theme for days afterwards, a must-see).
I also went to see Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical 'Evita' in the theater. It was about 25-30% better than I'd expected, so one more treat. On going out of the theater, not only my head, my whole body was filled with music. I got together with people I like; I listened to a lot of great music, as usual: Phantom of the Opera OST, good old Supertramp, Radiohead, the new Alanis, the new Rammstein, the ancient Pink Floyd. One of my fave albums of all time is The Final Cut, which I heard for the first time in 15 years. Honestly. I still love it. Which kinda suggests that maybe, just maybe, there is a permanent essence of a human being, lurking somewhere behind all the personality changes, nicks, masks, images, alter-egos, avatars, you-name-it.
The newest addition to fave bands: MUSE:) Kato niaa muse i MUSE e muse:) I can't help feeling they were meant for my enjoyment only. More on muses and inspiration in a later post.
For the time being, I'm tired. Not just physically, but all of me. I seem to find all domestic chores incredibly hard to perform, my home is in total disorder - to me, guests disagree but I guess they are just being polite -I cook, and clean, and shop for groceries, which feels like nothing short of a tremendous feat. Taking care of the kids uses up all the strength I have, though they are fantastic kids. Mihail found an old lipstick and painted the walls and the doors in red (Shyamalan, anyone?). Rada told me I loved the computer more than I love her. How can I persuade her this is not true? The great persuader, me. The great manupilator. I'm too tired to laugh.
I am like an old battered and scarred warrior on a quest, who's been through hundreds of battles, most of which he lost. There is still a long way to go, he's got a lot of experience, his level is high, but his health is failing, and he badly needs a rest. What I need is a night at an inn, some ale, and a bard singing. Ok, maybe a dancer or two to feast my eyes upon. Will anyone dance for me?
On the morrow, I will move on, alone. My mission awaits, and a hero never turns back.

Feb 11, 2005

Стар (звезден) превод

Няколко предварителни слова.
Част от този текст е включена в книгата "Улица "Консервна" на Джон Стайнбек, преведена на български от Кръстан Дянков. Неговите куплети са в курсив.
Преводът е на английската поема "Черни невени" на Е.Поуис Мадърс, адаптирал свободно Chauraspanchasika, или "Петдесет куплета от един крадец на любов", индийска любовна поема, приписвана на поета Билхана от 11 век. Според легендата, поетът се влюбил в царската дъщеря, която била негова ученичка. Разгневеният баща го осъдил да бъде обезглавен. В нощта преди изпълнението на присъдата Билхана написал тази поема. Развръзката според някои източници е щастлива - трогнатият от красотата на поезията цар отменя екзекуцията и разрешава на дъщеря си да се омъжи за любимия си. Според други източници, това е хм, лебедова песен.

Поемата няма ясно очертана структура, а е по-скоро сбор от спомени, хлабаво навързани образи, обединени единствено от началната фраза "дори сега". Аз мисля, че Стайнбек е избрал някои от най-хубавите за романа си, но и в преведените от мен има чудесни;) Опитах се максимално да наподобя стилистиката на Дянков, дори когато моята интерпретация би била различна. Преводът е правен през 2001 г.

“Черни невени” или Билхана

Дори сега,
припомням си девойката златиста,
с гирляди и напъпили цветчета украсена
коса от дим. Заспала или будна, нозете й
треперят от любов в притома бледна;
жадувам сякаш мъдрост отлетяла,
от хорски спомени изчезнала навеки
и се стремя при мене да я върна.

Дори сега,
ако съзра под дрехата й
двата портокала с цвета на старо злато
лицето като звездна нощ, снагата, в огън изкована
Пронизана от острието, любовта що носи -
на младите години първата любов -
сърцето си в снега туптящо бих заровил...

Дори сега,
ако съзра в очите-лотоси онази немощ,
родена под сладостното бреме – младостта,
аз пак протегнал бих изстрадали ръце,
от устните й пак ще пия упояващото вино,
като пчела политнала на воля,
която се опива с мед на крехки лилии

Дори сега
я помня, ах, в любовно изтощение
как крехките нозе не я държат,
къдриците й падат по ланитите;
във диплите на цветната си дреха
мълви тя за отдаване свенливо, ръце уханни
прегръщат шията ми като хладен полъх.

Дори сега,
я помня в краткотрайния й свян,
лицето ясно скрила в ранно утро,
очите й печални потрепват със звездите
немигнали от това безсъние любовно,
подобно птица розова отплават
по любовта-река, когато лотос сбират.

Дори сега,
ако съзра в очите чакащи безумна болка,
ланити, хлътнали и побледнели
от треската на нашата раздяла,
поднесъл бих аз любовта си със венец цветя,
нощта би станала любовник мургав
върху гърдите на деня глава обронил.

Дори сега,
косите буйни виждам на флейтиста,
устните розови извил във танц любовен
ликът й млад, влудяващ полумесец,
излегната, с потръпващи ръце,
стройна и крехка, ала изтощена
от бремето на любовта върху нозете бели.

Дори сега
я виждам върху ложето, ухаеща
на изпарения от сладък мускус
и пищен аромат на сандалово дърво
с очи, като подправено винó омайни,
като чифт нежни малки птичета,
допрели човки във целувка, всяко скрило се
поред в отворените устица на другото.

Дори сега,
явява се в часа коронен на страстта
тя с устни, алени от питието,
мека уста от камфор и бледосин оттенък
по устните й, тялото й - стройно,
големи бляскави очи, гримирана
със съвършенство чисто, ухаеща на мускус
и ароматно дърво от Кашмир.

Дори сега,
аз виждам лика ясен като злато,
облян със светлина, тук-таме сенки
по нейната снага, очите блеснали
от обич, но и морни от любов,
сякаш магическият лунен диск, когато Раху
престава да се крие зад тъмен параван.

Дори сега,
като по чудо и магия е в душата ми,
с едничка чужда дума – сбогом.
А през нощта аз, неохотно тръгнал,
навеждам се върху златисти устни
и тихичко прошепвам нежни думи
в косите морни на дъщерята царска.

Дори сега,
в душата си, що повече не чака, аз съзирам
все образа изчезнал, все халките златни
звънтящи в допира до малките магнолиеви листи
и снежнобялата и мека кожа, по която
бях писал с устните си пламенни куплети,
каквито вече няма да запея...

Дори сега,
смъртта донася трепета на посивели мигли,
на тъмни и безжизнени очи,
скръбта на нейната снага, от морна радост повалена,
и за утеха малките цветчета дето тръпнеха,
под булото на нейните гърди,
а в мъката – устата, от целувки влажна.

Дори сега,
долавям шум на пролетен поток,
ашока със свежи пръсти-цветове,
в червено цъфнал, с бисери зелени
целуват се като в градини райски, нощем
блещукат страни бели, усмивка от блажени мисли,
походка лебедова – всичко това ме мъчи.

Дори сега,
ме мами споменът за страстен набег
върху прекрасни, търпеливи форми,
а ярката си дреха като пламък жълт
тя срамежливо дърпа с ръка гладка,
става и навън побягва, понесена
със стройна грация от стъпала далечни.

Дори сега,
сърцето ми е натежало и разбито,
но сякаш клетката, в която съм затворен,
се срутва и нахлува светлина, а в нея – тя.
Пръсти заровила в косата, бели рамене
с розови лакти, вдигнати под слънчевата ласка,
а погледът й мек е вперен надалеч.

Дори сега,
я виждам, както някога, в палата бляскав,
под черни факли с хладна светлина червена,
с втъкани цветове, раздрали мрака.
Аз виждам как изправя се и тихо,
но твърдо заявява, че си ляга.
“Лека нощ, девици.”

Дори сега,
макар далече да съм, ято птици
прелитащи над клоните долински,
затвора навестяват ми със писък,
напомнят ми за моята любима. Защото
гласът й като птича песен е, като на лебед
е нейната походка, като криле
на черен ястреб са косите тъмни.

Дори сега,
аз знам, щастлива бе, принцесо моя.
Помня, докосваше гърдите си със пръсти
като венчелистчета, и закачливо
ме гледаше с усмихнати очи. Дълбоко
бе поразена тя от божество… о, тук умри.
Целувай ме и от поток по-чист ще бъда.

Дори сега,
я чувам да мълви за слабостта си, най-достойна
най-силно да ме люби. Виждам хорицата дребни,
които за сребро продаваха робини по тържищата,
в талази затлъстяла плът очи да свиват
но нея никой принц от градовете морски не откупи,
в студеното си ложе да я отведе. О, моя малка
до мене като празнична одежда ти се долепи тогаз.

Дори сега,
очаква ме един-единствен изгрев. А звездите,
невидими за мен, нощта обхождат.
Над опразнено сърце кратка хладна стража
и това е краят. Нощес не спа добре,
о, сън! Цял свят е с натежали клепки,
освен сърцето ми, от смърт огряно.

Дори сега,
едничка моя грижа е голотата нейна,
в гърдите малки – живот след живота.
Една безумна нощ под златно-малахитовата дреха
си струва повече от всичко на земята,
и приливите млъкват обуздани.
Виждал съм я как пристъпва в храма -
сякаш се смъква на богинята воалът.

Дори сега,
заслушан в думите на мъдреците,
които цяла младост са отдали в размишления,
не мога да усетя в нейните слова солта,
ни шепота на балдахина, който тулеше леглото ни,
ни малките й остроумия, от чистота пропити,
като поток забързани.

Дори сега,
си спомням утринната й умора,
в прегръдките ми сгушена бе тя и морно
се смееше, че моля се за нея.
Сега ми носи утрото умора смъртна,
от нея ще заспя. Ковчези ако правех,
щях да живея с песен до шейсет.

Дори сега,
дърварят и рибарят се прибират,
луната е в секирата, а мрежа мокра
улавя лунен лъч. Огньове пурпурни
зоват любов и сън. А от града жарък
певецът-просяк връща се да легне
под сянката дървесна при своята любима.
Луна гърдите й огрява, а мен ме чака смърт.

Дори сега,
молитва ми е нужна, за да кажа
последна дума за света пред богове
тринайсет. Равносметка правя
преди да отлети душата ми. Затуй аз коленича
и моля се: Отче на светлината, остави ме
да догоря, да те погледам. О, Звездна Майко,
дай да целуна нозете ти, обичам те, любима.

Дори сега,
на моята изгубена любима лика съзирам
с уплашени очи като скиталец горски
от скръб заляна, сълзи неизплакани,
току да се отронят. С извърнато лице, далечен шум долавя,
доволно поръмжаване на кучета, докато мене
далеч по друма бели ме отвеждат.

Дори сега,
когато жълторозова луна изгрее
да пази клас пшеничен, да блещука
по падналата праскова, спокойна беше тя
и за любов достойна. А звездна светлина
ръмеше като роса свежа, овлажнила
душите зажаднели и залутани
в градинските пътечки със любов.

Дори сега,
смуглата Рати невеста е на бога-обич,
а плодът на любовта им още по-прекрасно
светеше в мрака. Един за друг ние бяхме
чудо наяве, несънувано в сън още.
За мен земята-залез беше само пръстен
от червено злато, на който изумрудът
на младостта ми грееше във мрака.

Дори сега,
прекланям се пред храбростта на влюбената.
Две стъпала побират се в дланта ми,
а цялото й тяло – върху щит войнишки,
но тя като пантера златна скочи
трогателно смела, когато ме отвеждаха.
Чернобрад и гневен бе баща й, нахвърли се
върху войниците с юмруци немощни.

Дори сега,
обичам кипарисите и розите,
големите възсини планини и хълмовете обли,
прибоя на морето... Вчера сякаш бе -
съзрях аз поглед непознат, ръце на пеперуда
и в утрото от чубриките литна чучулига,
а в бистрата река се къпеха деца...

Дори сега,
Сънят не идва нощем, мисля си за тебе
и твоето легло, за това как спиш
след множество сълзи. Сладка малка,
смъртта в градината е, времето тече,
и досега тъй обичайната година
узря, настана есен, а аз трябва да умра.

Дори сега,
си спомням: двама с тебе удивени,
сякаш събудени от сън дълбок,
вървим покрай реката бързотечна,
умиращото слънце си отива,
и вече не ухажва зелените тръстики,
запътило се е натам със ясна цел
- да стигне до морето и нирвана.

Дори сега,
обичам черните очи със ласка свилена,
ту в смях потънали,ту в скръб
клепачите, що сладка сянка хвърлят,
когато погледа и нежен засенят.
Обичам устните й с аромата сочен на цветя,
вълните на косата й, от дим по-мека,
смеха и, в който изумруди палаво блестят.

Дори сега,
помня как питах: “Къде и как се любят
жриците на Рати?
Кажи ми, че се къпят в лунна светлина
в топъл басейн, облицован със сребро.
Дали е вярно, че когато се сресват
и пръстите им, в пурпурно боядисани,
като корал са в черното море от къдри?”

Дори сега,
те виждам - с леки пръсти галеше косата ми,
в една се бяха слели двете ни души
а споменът пламтящ говореше чрез тебе;
"О, виждала съм как луната щом се скрие,
робините на Рати се отдават на любов,
а после се отпускат най-безгрижно и заспиват.”

Дори сега,
сe чудя дали не е била Махадеви,
алена роза на Шива, или Капагата,
своеволната другарка на Владетеля
или съпругата на Кришна – Лакшми, с коса
от теменуги. Не мога да узная дали Брахма
в неведомите си потайни пътища
не е изпратил моята любима
с уханен танц да подлуди трите свята.

Дори сега,
не викайте художници от краищата земни,
с редки бради, със сиво, розово, зелено,
небесносиньо и ултрамарин,
кафява земна сянка. Изкуството – за присмех
става от слънчев лъч по тялото на моята невеста,
затова, че никога очи не е видяло.
О, сълзи горещи по тялото на моята невеста.

Дори сега,
си спомням аз тълпите и дъжда пороен
и двама радостни, дъжда с мен споделили,
говореха щастливо с плътен млад глас,
а буря се надигаше все по-наблизо
и двамата се вкопчихме един в друг,
като че нищо никога не ще ни раздели.

Дори сега,
нетленният и гладък лунен лик
златист търкулва се по есенно небе,
монахът се унася, забравя да се моли,
а колко повече аз, ако устата нейна
със вкус на манна моята допре,
душата си бих дал за една целувка.

Дори сега,
прашец от лотос кацва по устните безгрижни,
страстен порой за пожара на страстта,
свят брод, свещено езеро
на влюбени. Да можех поне един път още
да ида там, щях да намеря начин
за вечни векове моето езеро да опазя
изплаквайки живота си, застанал на брега му.

Дори сега,
цветът на прецъфтелите дървета викна съня ми,
за необуздан живот, за моята любима.
И красотата нейна се посипа
върху живота ми, така че не увяхва
и не помръква, ами ухае днес,
и всеки ден, и в този ден последен.

Дори сега,
ръцете гладки като листчета цветни,
снагата кръшна, окъпана в прохладна
вода на унеса, таз ярка птица,
не ходи, не изменя се, не приближава.
Морна, застанала край езерото черно
на Вечно Липсващите, а моят спомен
е водна лилия върху водата.

Дори сега,
Хвърляме мрежи отвъд брега отсрещен
уверени, че ще уловим нозете на зората,
преди да се събудиш и след като заспиш
звездите докосни, невидими и видими,
и портите зазидай на оня, който ни сънува.
Всичко едно е, Видия, и всичко нищо е.

Дори сега,
нощта прелива от сребристи водни струи,
ще пратя аз душата си към теб,
за сетен път снагата ти да види. Заставам до леглото:
главата ти под балдахина – петно блестящо
на празната възглавница, и скръбно
виси ръката празна от леглото.
Не си завита.

Дори сега,
краката ти като че търсят моите,
дори сега сънуваш сън, за който
не ще науча утре. Не плачи на съмване,
нищо, че с деня ще дойде скръб,
и мразиш светлината. Сега е времето
да отнесеш душата ми.

Дори сега,
си спомням как със хора се събирах,
и под челата им, дълбоко във очите,
виждах душите, плъзнали като рояк
пред погледа ми жаден. Светът
бе ято птици, сянка или пламък,
които преминаваха над хълмове релефни.
Но друга като моята любима нямаше.

Дори сега,
за мен идващата смърт е утеха.
Да бях свободен като крилатия орел,
или цар на трон от слонова кост.
Нощта не би дошла без ложе от трева зелена
и няма за мен ложе без моята мила.
Време е меч да вдигнете, о, зли пазачи,
фонтана преди изгрев да пуснете на воля.

Дори сега,
аз зная - всичко на света съм вкусил,
надигнал съм по пиршества стакани от злато и малахит,
ала съвсем за кратко е било забравеното време,

когато тя изпълваше ми взора
- най-яркият поток от вечна светлина...
Мечът е тук. Към празничния ден!

Поемата на английски.