Mar 24, 2005

Remodelled Me

A shirt, a skirt, a formal coat, and high heels (aka hell heels). This is my outfit for my short-term office job with another institution within the Bulgarian government. 9-to-5s with suitable ties, as Fish said. Interpreting at meetings, presentations, translating memos, reports, going to lunch with the boss, trying to regain my long lost social skills. Hurrying after work to pick up the kids. Horrors and nightmares! Ok, I'm exaggerating. The heels are not that high but still uncomfortable to drive in.

Anyway, this sudden move was part of my strategy to show how flexible I am - when 10 friends tell me to go out of the house and mix with people, I comply! As I said, I am not the stubborn, self-righteous bitch I look;)

Rada is pleased with my new look, although she’s a little resentful about the eternal you-are-prettier-than-me issue. I’m not prettier. She is more beautiful, more sociable, and even wiser than me.

The other day we had this conversation about her father. I said he is a good person, a good daddy, and always will be, but he’s simply not a good man for me. She said, ‘Then you should get another man!’. My immediate response was thoughtless, though truthful: ‘Where shall I put him?’. And she observed, with the savvy of an experienced woman: ‘Mom, men are not objects. They are not wardrobes or cupboards!’ I was flabbergasted. My five-year-old knew something is wrong with my attitude to the male part of humankind. I stand corrected. Men are not objects. Repeat, men are not objects.

On the cultural side, at last I’ve got something to look forward to. May 19th:D Episode Three. I watched the trailer at least 10 times – it’s great. I also saw the horror movie (ok, psychological thriller) ‘Identity’ on a sunny afternoon between deadlines. I usually can’t stand blood but I needed some kind of emotion, I needed to hear my heart thumping and to feel alive. It’s a good movie, I love plot twists, they compensate for much of the boredom that comes beforehand. While on the movie topic, here are some titles from my ‘recently viewed’ list.

-Big Lebowski – I loved the slapstick humor, the laid back atmosphere, the ugly language (It’s f***ed Duuuude).
- Requiem for a Dream – may give a more sensitive viewer nightmares. Nightmares, however, are considered by some psychologists to cleanse the unconscious of the dreamer. They are a self-preserving mechanism of the mind, throwing out the garbage and keeping your daytime personality sane. Or so I hope. The movie starred Jared Leto, my new wet dreams material, who also played Alexander’s sweetheart in Oliver Stone’s movie, and gave me the warm feeling that I share the same taste in men with the great Greek;)
- Pi – another Aronofsky movie. Does not bear comments. OST just as superb as that of the previous movie.

Musically, I am disappointed. I created an account in

but it isn't working, so I'm not gonna tell what my new internet nick is;)

I listened to the early Beatles, Deep Purple ballads, Isihia, Anathema (latest album), Jeff Wayne's War of the World. The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one:)

Mar 11, 2005

Guess What:)

I Am A: True Neutral Half-Elf Ranger Fighter

True Neutral characters are very rare. They believe that balance is the most important thing, and will not side with any other force. They will do whatever is necessary to preserve that balance, even if it means switching allegiances suddenly.

Half-Elves are a cross between a human and an elf. They are smaller, like their elven ancestors, but have a much shorter lifespan. They are sometimes looked down upon as half-breeds, but this is rare. They have both the curious drive of humans and the patience of elves.

Primary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.

Secondary Class:
Fighters are the warriors. They use weapons to accomplish their goals. This isn't to say that they aren't intelligent, but that they do, in fact, believe that violence is frequently the answer.

Silvanus is the True Neutral god of nature. He is also known as the Patron of Druids. His followers believe in the perfect balance of nature, and believe that nature's bounty is preferable to any other 'civilizing' method. They wear leather or metallic scale mail, constructed of leaf-shaped scales. Silvanus's symbol is an oak leaf.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

Mar 1, 2005

The Hottest Whining Points

I am well aware of the risk I took by posting the long poem, I suspect I lost half my fan base;) So this entry is a feeble attempt to win it back:P
I'm self-destructive. No efforts on my part seem to undo this. I smoke a lot, drink more - coffee and vodka - and more often than I should, and I go without sleep for ages. Insomnia and too much work deprive me of rest and sanity.
February was rich in events like the concert of Fates Warning, a progressive metal band, which was so-so. The vocal had had too much to drink and his voice was hoarse, but I enjoyed myself. Also, I saw several movies among which 'Alexander' (good, should be careful not to get obsessed with my talented son, otherwise he is likely to turn gay), 'Bridget Jones 2' (fun, I have read the first book, so the story is complete. There was a greal line which I repeat to myself several times a day, roughly 'I've had enough of bad things happening to me, it's time something really good happened'... if you see the movie, this line will tell you a lot about me:)), and the fabulous 'Phantom of the Opera', (a feast for all the senses, I kept playing the main theme for days afterwards, a must-see).
I also went to see Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical 'Evita' in the theater. It was about 25-30% better than I'd expected, so one more treat. On going out of the theater, not only my head, my whole body was filled with music. I got together with people I like; I listened to a lot of great music, as usual: Phantom of the Opera OST, good old Supertramp, Radiohead, the new Alanis, the new Rammstein, the ancient Pink Floyd. One of my fave albums of all time is The Final Cut, which I heard for the first time in 15 years. Honestly. I still love it. Which kinda suggests that maybe, just maybe, there is a permanent essence of a human being, lurking somewhere behind all the personality changes, nicks, masks, images, alter-egos, avatars, you-name-it.
The newest addition to fave bands: MUSE:) Kato niaa muse i MUSE e muse:) I can't help feeling they were meant for my enjoyment only. More on muses and inspiration in a later post.
For the time being, I'm tired. Not just physically, but all of me. I seem to find all domestic chores incredibly hard to perform, my home is in total disorder - to me, guests disagree but I guess they are just being polite -I cook, and clean, and shop for groceries, which feels like nothing short of a tremendous feat. Taking care of the kids uses up all the strength I have, though they are fantastic kids. Mihail found an old lipstick and painted the walls and the doors in red (Shyamalan, anyone?). Rada told me I loved the computer more than I love her. How can I persuade her this is not true? The great persuader, me. The great manupilator. I'm too tired to laugh.
I am like an old battered and scarred warrior on a quest, who's been through hundreds of battles, most of which he lost. There is still a long way to go, he's got a lot of experience, his level is high, but his health is failing, and he badly needs a rest. What I need is a night at an inn, some ale, and a bard singing. Ok, maybe a dancer or two to feast my eyes upon. Will anyone dance for me?
On the morrow, I will move on, alone. My mission awaits, and a hero never turns back.