Sep 16, 2007

Kipu Kuolee Huutamalla

Tähän päättyy paljon hyvää
Paljon kaunista

Waiting can be soul-ripping. I could have written this last night, in full swing of emotion, in a pool of duct salt water, but I didn't. What's here is cold and calculated.

I waited for years. I've run out of patience, wit, and goodwill. I thought I found living water in you - I didn't ask for a fucking Niagara, I asked for a glass of it. The answer was no. I understood, and I tried to be brave and self-sufficient. I prayed to be as happy without you as I would have been with you. I guess I would have been very miserable with you, assuming this prayer was answered.

My life has become smaller recently, while the piece held by you hasn't changed. I've missed you for much too long, and you knew it. You weren't there when I needed you, and I've lost count of the times we could light the universe, if you wanted. Call it limerence, it doesn't matter anymore, anyway. You're just a shadow of a man, and in my worst moments I wish you realized how happy you could have been with me, because I'm so right for you.

This was supposed to end with 'fuck off and die', but I'm tired of screaming, so here's a sad Finnish song, with some of the best words:

Helmen hukatakseen tuonne hiekkalaatikkoon
On oltava tyhmä tai sitten oikeessa

To lose a pearl in that sandpit,
One has to be stupid or right.

The title means 'pain dies by shouting'.